Preacher playing golf

A preacher is out playing Golf at his favorite course when he comes to
the 14th hole. This is the only hole on the course that he fears as he must hit his tee shot about 150 yards over a pond. Knowing this he takes out his
"duffer" ball and places it on the tee.  As he addresses the ball, he hears a
loud thunderous voice from heaven saying, "USE A NEW BALL".  He pauses for a moment, then exchanges the old ball for a new MAXFLI , places it on the tee and once again addresses the ball. Again, he hears a thunderous voice from heaven, "TAKE A PRACTICE SWING". Knowing authority when he hears it, he steps back and takes his best practice swing, returns to the ball and as he is addressing the ball he hears: "USE THE OLD BALL".

"If it goes right, it's a slice. If it goes left, it's a hook. If it goes straight, it's a miracle." (Anonymous)

 "Learning to play golf is like learning to play the violin. It's not only difficult to do...it's very painful to everyone around you." (Hal Linden)

 "I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser." (Arnold Palmer)
The reason the golf pro wants you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.

 "Golf's three ugliest words: still your shot." (Dave Marr)

"It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling." (Mark Twain)

"One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball." (Don Carter, pro bowler)

"Golf is a hard game to figure.  One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it; hit into all the traps and miss every green.  The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink." (Bob Hope)

"I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It is called an eraser." (Arnold Palmer)

"The reason the golf pro wants you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing."

My favorite Chili Story

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're a writer and therefore known and adored by all." 

Here are the scorecards from the event: 

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a !?##?!?%?~?! uranium  pill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili# 4: Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't ave to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming. 

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later. 

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a supernova on my tongue.

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: Momma??!!  Help me. 

NEW Church Bulletin Bloopers

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

PRAYER & FASTING Conference. "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals".

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands".

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the water'. The sermon tonight:  Searching for Jesus'.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The "Over 60's Choir" will be disbanded for the summer with thanks. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are afflicted with any church.

The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Remember in prayer those who are sick of our church and community. 
Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The
pastor will then speak on "It's a terrible experience"

A Parable of Two Frogs

A group of frogs were hopping contentedly through the woods, going about their froggy business, when two of them fell into a deep pit. All of the other frogs gathered around the pit to see what could be done to help their companions. When they saw how deep the pit was, they agreed that it was hopeless and told the two frogs in the pit that they should prepare
themselves for their fate, because they were as good as dead.

Unwilling to accept this terrible fate, the two frogs began to jump with all of their might. Some of the frogs shouted into the pit that it was hopeless, and that the two frogs wouldn't be in that situation if they had been more careful, more obedient to the froggy rules, and more responsible. The other frogs continued sorrowfully shouting that they should save their energy and give up, since they were already as good as dead.

The two frogs continued jumping with all their might, and after several hours of this, were quite weary. Finally, one of the frogs took heed to the calls of his fellow frogs. Exhausted, he quietly resolved himself to his fate, lay down at the bottom of the pit, and died. The other frog
continued to jump as hard as he could, although his body was wracked with pain and he was quite exhausted.

Once again, his companions began yelling for him to accept his fate, stop the pain and just die. The weary frog jumped harder and harder and, wonder of wonders, finally leaped so high that he sprang from the pit. Amazed, the other frogs celebrated his freedom and then gathering around him asked, "Why did you continue jumping when we told you it was
impossible?" The astonished frog explained to them that he was deaf, and as he saw their gestures and shouting, he thought they were cheering him on. What he had perceived as encouragement inspired him to try harder and to succeed against all odds.

This simple story contains a powerful lesson. The book of Proverbs says, "There is death and life in the power of the tongue". Your encouraging words can lift someone up and help them make it through the day. Your
destructive words can cause deep wounds; they may be the weapons that destroy someone's desire to continue trying - or even their life. Your destructive, careless word can diminish someone in the eyes of others,
destroy their influence and have a lasting impact on the way others respond to them. Be careful what you say. Speak life to (and about)
those who cross your path. There is enormous power in words.

If you have words of kindness, praise or encouragement - speak them now to, and about, others. Listen to your heart and respond.

Someone, somewhere, is waiting for your words ...